SO ANYWAYS...um.

   My latest horoscopes have been all about me getting into solitude. "Spyke, you need some quiet time", "Spyke, solitude is what you need you crazy psycho bitch". I feel that solitude is the last fucking thing I need. Lately for the first time in my life, that I remember, I feel that I can actually just maybe talk to people. and no fucking horoscope is going to take that away for me cuz I've never felt this way...ever.

   fuck solitude. and fuck you fuckers who say its good for you. Sure maybe for the billions of you who have a fucking social life its good every once in a while...after one of your hectic days. Don't get caught up in it...don't make it a habit. Living in solitude is nothing something you want...and it was given to me like I had no choice. Only getting deeper and deeper. Its hard to find your way out. I think i just may have found the light at the end of the tunnel...or its all just what I want to see. Its like in the cartoons...when the road runner paints a tunnel over a brick wall and the coyote runs into it. Is this final end to solitude just a brick wall? Just a trap waiting for me only to end up falling in deeper then I have ever been before...? I don't want that...I want out...I want out of this fucking cage...the cage I've been locked in my whole fucking life.

   funny thing is...I'm not a big "people person". Not very fond of the goddamn human race. Yet, I know I need to be with them to survive...or maybe thats just what I've been taught. As much as I want out...could I stay in? Couldn't kill me right? We're all alone out there. No matter how much you'd like to think that you aren't. fuck...

   wow its been a while...grades....good super not even a B-...i'm surprised....guys...still can't go up to them...maybe can start more of a conversation...my history teacher guy is...damn....found out hes married...kinda ruins it for my fantasizing during class but hey...nothing really new...wow....thats a...first. oh wait....

   my english teacher...1st period...just the...perverted stares and touching...not exactly inappropriate but...i don't want that douche touching me. grabbing at my arm and hips i mean jesus dude...you got a wife at home. of course if it were my history teach...that'd be no problem...have at it buddy. hmm....that came out sounding a little more perverse then i intended. oh well.

 i'm kinda...all confused. it could have been yesterday where I was just so damn sure I was going to save sex for marriage...then it was put into terms for me that made it seem pointless. I'm decided to save it not for the religious aspect ( NO! REALLY!?!) but just so I don't stand a chance of ever getting pregnant or laid...whoa...so did NOt mean to type that (guess you know what i'm thinking about..) I meant to say any form of a STD. But then...heres the thing....I don't plan on ever getting married...so I'm basically telling myself...no sex....EVEERRRRR!!!...bitch. Its...just...kinda rough on me...lmfao...yes I'm a perve. I know that even if sex was offered to me...right this minute I don't think I would agree to it even if I did know the dude. Just don't think I'm ready...I mean I AM ready...but I'm not ready...ya know?...fuck it.

   so...theres been this hot dude on my bus lately. not only hot but like...sexy. he wears this black fadora type of thing that kinda covers up most of his face. Just something about the way it clashes with his bleach blonde hair. He just sits there on the bus, dressed head to toe in black, keeps to himself with his headphones blasting. PLUS he skateboards. I'm thinking its his mysterious quality that makes him so damn sexy, but theres something else about him. I don't know what it is yet...hes not gay...I don't think. I really like the certain darkness in some guys. Like they've got some big secret that disturbs their everyday life. So they isolate themselves from the outside world. Is that wrong that i find that attractive? or is it just attractive to me because its like me...and a guy I see that may have those qualities, I see as having something common with him...and somehow (heehee) we could take away the others pain. The burden we've been living with so long...is then lost. we're all thats left.
...eh who knows...

trying to think of what else has been going on other than the sex-capade and hot guys...well..i've been getting better grades this year than the last. but the year isn't over yet I still got a chance. wow...i wish something cool was going on...oh well just means i gotta go now. peace out ya hosers.

   Dereck you fucker you can't fucken leave the holiest of countries to come to an evil one that mind fucks you. JESUS BOY WUTCH YOU THINKIN'!?!? I don't know why I just REALLY REALLY don't want him to leave. It effects me in NO way whatsoever. But then somehow it makes my heart heavy. (what the fuck did i just say...was that..GAY TALK!?!) Hes going to a totally different country its going to be a lot different and crappier. I just want him to stay where he is god dammit. AND YOU TOO JD!!! every body should just stay put. CUZ I SAID SO DON'T QUESTION MY ATHORA-TA! ok this might be the point where you start to notice me getting bored with the subject or someshit like that. HO!. peace out ya hosers i'm dizzon.

   Got this guy buddy trying to get me to go to my homecoming...I told him the only way I'll go is in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt...homecoming, prom, dances in general are all against my religion. Not to mention I can't dance worth shit unless you're talking dancing like a retard in my undies to greenday's american idiot. and yes i got there new album fucken awesome bitches. so anyway where i left off yesterday...

GUILT FUCKEN TRIPS. don't ever try to pull one of them bad boys on me my brah or i will brake you. whats the point of making someone feel that way just to get something for their benefit...fuck you. WHATS IN IT FOR ME! thats all i gotta say about that.

   Derecks leaving. Best buddy might be leaving even though she doesn't want to. sucks donut.

   fucken dereck...i just...don't know what to fucken say about that.

shits computers being a bitch again i'll be back

   Been a while my nizzles. My computer is bitch if you didn't catch that, one minor detail.  So I (we all) have a fucken band now. Its about fucken time. Totally fucken psyched. I also failed my drivers test I finally got to take last Monday. But see...if I had taken it RIGHT when I was ready to instead of two weeks later I would have FUCKEN PASSED YOU SONS OF STUPID FUCKEN BITCHES! of course I could have studied until it HAD come time to take the test, but I'm not gonna beat myself up about it...instead I'll blame it on other people : D just like my daddy.

   You know what I hate? everything but thats besides the point...I hate people who try to put me on guilt trips. GIVE IT UP ALREADY PEEPUMS! I'll write more on that later. I'm not too inspired right now to bitch about guilt trips. peace out ya hosers.

 I wrote this...thing...the other night. I'm not really sure what it was all about. I mean, I know what its about dammit I just don't know whats up with it. Its one of those things like...where the fuck did that come from. So I'm guessing I was in a very different...strange...state of mind. Heres this shit-


                        
..it’s a drug…
you want it, you require it,you crave it…with every last ounce of life in you…but there is none.
…and  It craves you,
it desires you more,
…the way it clings to your lips…your insides…your fingertips
..and every drop that leaves you,
it finds itself not worthy of such a being,
such an…enchanting  being
it loves you to the last drop
the same way you feel about it.
such warmth to fill a black heart
…in one sip.
the blood you were born with, taken away, is finally given back to you…
so willingly…
                        

 this is some stuff that happened yesterday my computer was being a turdface so here is it now...

            god…today..what a bitch.

      Yesterdays happenings seemed to have effected me today and my mood. and every things just DANDY. Canada won and I thought I could rub it in derecks face but no….that plan backfired on me. I’m fucking tired and hungry. the only way I can get food is if we had money which we don’t so THERES NO FUCKEN FOOD so I’m sitting here filling out a job application,cussing out my computer because it just so happens that its being a bitch too. so I get job…job=money=FOOD BITCH! today for lunch…I had cheetos…thas right my bitches….cheetos and they were DELICIOUS! yeah. so sitting at the bus stop eatin’ mi cheetos. bro wants some, of course, cuz he likes taking food from the hungry. I end up yelling at him saying….THIS IS MY FUCKING LUNCH JUST…BACK..OFF!everybody at the bus stop just got quiet and looked at me. then I’m walking the 11/2-2 miles home in the rain…can’t complain there cuz I like the rain….but I hate walking. so I was coming into the neighborhood and this car zooms around the corner coming straight at me. I don’t know why…I kept walking towards it.

and thats it. now this is todays bitchin'...

 I've changed a lot i think in the last couple of weeks. its like i give less of a shit then i did before, and...i love it. i find myself having more confidence...still can't go up to anybody and just start a conversation, but i can actually look a guy straight in the eyes. Then the other day...on my cell phone these people are always fucken calling me with this different area code. so i'm like...ok bitch bring it on I CAN TAKE YOU! so i answer it....

Me: Hello?
Her: HI! is kelly there?
Me: no...YOU KEEP FUCKING CALLING THIS NUMBER...
*bitch interrupts*
Her: i'm..i'm i'm sorry ma'am we'll take you off our list right...away...i'm sorry. Have a nice night...
Me: yeah....*click*

lol blow me i know it wasn't the harshest thing i could say to those sons of bitches wasting my fucken minutes but...at least it was something.  i think i've finally learned to just...speak my mind not give a fucken shit what other people think about my opinion. Maybe i've even learned how to deal with my emotions (anger, frusteration, depression lalala etc.). Other than cutting. When you cut, you bottle up everything, because you don't know what to do with it. You take it out on yourself, becuase the bottles are full. Mine are overflowed. I've broken. Then one by one those bottles are going to disappear. Knocked off the shelf....

I've mentioned in here before this...OTHER guy. The one who had to go back home, which happens to be in another country. Well, hes back at my school again. I remembered the first time i saw him this year. My mom and I were dropping off my bro at school. She went to go walk him to his class (jesus christ mom hes 13 now...he doesn't need you there to hold his hand). Well i stayed in the car.Out of the corner of my eye i saw something...cool...walking down the street...(lol yeah...pretty woman) I flipped down the mirror cuz I was trying to fix my sun glasses and I saw him...at first i didn't know...so I looked harder and, it was him. Then I kept seeing him today. I swear...as gay as it sounds...my heart fucken skipped a fucken beat every fucken time I fucken saw him...fuck. No, unlike the other guys I talk about...besides Dereck are all just...ooh-yeah-hes-hot or oooh-yeah-hes-cool kinda crushes. Dereck and this guy are different, and Dereck and this guy are different type of feelings. Dereck is like...an attraction that survives (for me at least) simply on that we've got a quite a bit in common, maybe not so much in common as we have the same opinions on things. Hes smart and all hot-like, lmao, plus...21 adds on a couple of extra points there. So i hate him for being smart because smart guys...i dunno guess its a turn-off for me. Then...theres this guy...the strongest...ahem...physical attraction I've ever had for a guy. The first time I had EVER saw him..kinda the first time...it was like...whoa...wtf is this i'm feeling...not the best choice of words, I know...


99,999 bottles of "beer" on the wall...

 right now i'm watching the Finland vs. Canada hockey game...damn...i don't know who to fucken root for....i'm trying not to watch but hey....is hockey...Canada has lead right now 2-1. i mean my two favoritestest countries in the whole world are playing against eachother....WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG!!!!  lol. but i guess either way whoever wins i'll be happy for and satisfied but then again...saaad...cuz the other team didn't win yah yah yah. so anyways onto my same ol' boring story about my fucking day...

   today i realized i am NO good with words. OOOH FINLANDS GOT A POWER-PLAY!...anyways...1/2 the time i can't even discribe what i feel. maybe thats a problem cuz i don't know what i feel. i can tell when i hate something, when i disagree with something, when i really just DON'T care shit like that. but now...i don't even know when i'm happy anymore...what is happiness? or like when i'm depressed (or think i'm depressed who the fuck knows) i keep thinking that thats the lowest i'll get but i only get lower..and is there really any reason for me to be? shit ain't that bad i guess but shit...what the fuck is wrong with me. OOOH BITCH WHAT NOW FINLAND JUST MADE A GOAL!!! 2-2!!! haa biatch...see heres the thing that REALLY makes this hockey games special to me... (just fuck what i started to talk about)

CANADA TOTALLY FUCKING WON MOTHER FUCKERS! damn it was a tight game...3rd period Canada scored but the czechs returned that awefully fast and so they were tied and went into over time....SUDDEN DEATH! and the whole game had been going like...Canada would make a goal then czechs would return it. every period that happened. just fucken awesome.

i hadn't noticed how long is has been since i have talked to any of my friends. it kinda sucks. lmao and its kinda sad how i have resorted to talking to this blog now. 
                                                       

                                       SEX!!!
   i'm the kinda person who starts to think about the wierdest shit when they get bored. and i just blanked...oh yeah...and while i was having one of my boredom episodes i was thinking...lmfao...
i was thinking about that guy i was flirting with in my biology class at school. could it be possible...that somehow something could come out of that? maybe we start...i dunno...say we start something. he asks me out right? and he probably sometime expects sex right? sex i can't give him...right right right?i mean...should i tell him maybe before we start anything?...say hes asking me, i say...well if you can respect the fact that i'm waiting...then like any other guy would he'd probably take back his word right there...and thats ok, cuz i expect it. or would it be better when were right there...making out on the couch...he starts un-doing my belt and zipper...is that really the best time to tell him..."hey yeah...i'm a virgin...and...i...uh...wanna keep it that way until sometime down the road...mmmkay?" then he gets all pissed throws his fists down on the coffee table starts throwing shit across the room grabs his coat and marches out the door followed by the noise i love most....the door slamming. and thats that. he never talks to me again at school or where ever....cuz i'm the bitch that wouldn't sleep with him. shit...lmfao..i'm really curious now how all my relationships are going to end up...that is if i ever GET ONE. wtf....did i just use the word...relationship??? AWE NO WAY!...ew....anyway i'm also really curious to see if i can handle...or say "no" to sex. lol guess it all depends on how much i really want to keep my virginity. if i don't want to keep it all that bad...then i'll say...fuck this lets go. if i do...then...its more like...you make me too damn horny we can't see eachother anymore. lmfao...i dunno why but i can actually see myself saying that to someone. so thats why i'm not shallow! lmfao...i get a guy i don't find all that physically attractive...it'll make keeping my virginity easier on me! lmfao...the way i think...jesus...but hey it makes sense to me so i guess thats all that really matters. and before this goes any farther...(unlike my sex life, AIN'T COMPLAINING! AIN'T COMPLAINING!)..and starts getting too uncomfortable for me to talk about in this blog. i should go is what i'm trying to say here. but first...have i ever mentioned how fucken gross femal oral sex is?...OK! TIME TO GO! PEACE OUT YA HOSERS!