Who would have guessed...a holiday based around getting fat...its so americain.

   I dyed my hair last night...thats right...IIII dyed my hair. Maybe cuz i'm too cheap to go to a salon or maybe cuz i feel like have more control over what i do to my hair intead of having some whiney bleach blonde bimbo take control. but anyway...it was supposed to be dark brown...its black. like...pitch fucking black. of course that could have been partially my fault since i DID keep it in for 45 mins instead of 25. i like it but my dads going to kill me :D! he'll take my t-bird away. he always does that...

   quand les poules auront des FUCKING dents.

   I am in such a wierd mood. Maybe its the coffee. The coffee as black as my hair. WOOHOO! but i've always wondered what i looked like with black hair so this is cool eh. i'm hungry.

   ok i'm just fucking bored...guess i wasn't done bitching either. i got this weekly horoscope thing it'd be pretty cool if it was gonna come true

Pisces
There is an emphasis on your career. People are noticing you and what you do -
which is a big step forward. Venus moves into Scorpio on Monday, joining Mars.
All this Scorpio activity encourages you to be more adventurous about your
beliefs. This may be the time you decide to go on a business trip or get away
for a vacation. You are in the mood to explore. There is a New Moon in Gemini on
Friday, which occurs in the home and family sector - it's a great time for a
get-together or a party.

so shah...that would be the band...yeah..business trip would be a tour...god how fucking awesome would that be

i'm so calm right now even with the screaming in my head. its like...weeeee...ya know? like even if some hot buff dude came here and started beating the shit outta of me i wouldn't really notice...or feel it but thats besides the point. the point is you got a hottie...the closest a hottie will ever come to you....nothing can really affect....effect? me right now. so shah...bring it on. you know what its like to not feel anything?...pretty fucking cool...when you want it to be.

fuck jd....what the hell did you get yourself into..?

I've got my fatass cat laying on me right now and its getting fucking hard to type...but fuck its cold. lmfao...but fuck. Well today sucked ass.

   Theres this guy at my school (for starters) i've probably mentioned him in here a couple times before, but this guy...the first time i saw him it was like..whoa...the kind of 'whoa' i've really never experienced with any other guy i've drooled over, over the years. I've never got to know this guy much like the lot of guys i find physically attractive and who i think have a great personality. (blah blah blah). Well...i had been eyeing him and hes caught my glance a couple of times but nothing has really ever come out of it. Not nothing really...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING has EVER come out of it (so whats the point?) So today i see him slammed up against the wall with some chick practically suffocating him. they weren't making out...i really don't know what she was doing just rubbing herself on him or something. I try to block it out of my head. Just how much i wish i could have been that chick. I feel jealous of the chick yet sorry for the dude and pain and sorrow that i could never be in that position especially with that particular dude. OOOH NOOBOODY WAAANNNTS MEEEEEE BOOO FUCKING HOO. get the fuck over it. i thought i would be use to this kind of shit by now.

 1. Whenever mom asks if you've been drinking...say no god dammit
 2. Whenever someone tells you they will or won't do something-don't believe them
 3. If someone asks you politely to turn down your music-tell them they're too old and to shove it up their ass.
 4. If someone makes fun of what you are wearing-kick their ass...or bomb their house later.
 5. If something pisses you off cutting is not the answer...vicodin is
 6. Don't move around a lot when you're under the influence of vicodin
 7. When your little bro is getting on your last fucking nerve...kick his fucking ass to a bloody fucking pulp

   I've been thinking about the band more than usual lately. I'm starting to actually stress over it....its my fucking dream to get signed to a major record label and yet everybody knows that that only happens to about 1 in a million bands. I know that me and my best duder have pimpshit songs. The rest of the band is just slacking and its just now starting to get pissed. "I AM SOOOO FRIICKEN PISSED!" lol. but no...i mean...WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET A GIG!?!? i want to be on that fucken stage playing for little fucked up teens who just want to get away and don't think they need anybody (which is true but besides the point) like me. I will admit now that i too have been slacking a little too. i strayed away from my 2 hour guitar sessions a day. GUITAR COMES FIRST....NOT HOMEWORK. (not saying that i do my homework instead of playing guitar...its just what people say) but since i've been slacking i've also been making up lost time. this last week i've played everyday from 1hr 45 mins to 3 hours, alone in my room. but anyway. I WANT TO GET OUT THERE!

   wow...i've been up in my room for an hour and a 1/2 playing songs on my guitar and writing new ones.mmhmm...

   Went to a concert last night with the bassist from our band...totally kicked righteous ass..at least the first and last band. With the second one it just sucked...so mr. bass and i were sitting there just laughing at all the dudes in the band cuz they looked fucking retarded and they fucking sucked.

   ok no...the fucking concert wasn't what i came in here to bitch about. i wanted to make out with my bassist. and even just thinking about it made me feel like it was wrong.  thats all i'm gonna say.

   all the fucking nerds. just fucking step off please...if they don't they'll regret they didn't when they had a fucking chance.

i am just an imbecile i will only complicate you
---Tool-'Sober'

 nigger nigger nigger...i find that word more amusing than offensive. Schools been kinda sucking ass between the fatshit nerd next to me that keep hitting on me...i think...
   let me tell you of my love...my sweet sweet love...this niggers got it going on..
he sits next to me in my computer class...he smells of grease...if you can imagine what that stinks of...his gorgeous buck teeth twinkle every time he smiles at me...as we gaze oh so lovingly into eachothers eyes...his black beautiful flowing greasy hair plastered on the sides of his head...his steamy breath on my breasts as he leans over me to help me with my computer problem...i only TRY to act stupid about computers so he can "help" me...when really the only thing hes doing is helping me seduce him...(???)

fucking nerdass pig...OINK OINK OINK...ARE YOU FUCKING DONE VIOLATING ME!!!
there was NOTHING wrong with my computer...NO we did NOT have to restart the fucking computer THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY FUCKING COMPUTER DO YOU FUCKING GET IT PIG!

 

I ask all of you with a boyfriend or girlfriend…

whats it like?

It just kills me inside simply because i'm fucking curious. Why don't i do something about it? A couple of issues i've got i'm going to get into right this minute, i don' think.

Sometimes I just lay there, in the dark with my eyes closed. ( yes..i’m fucked…bite me) I try to imagine what it would be like to have a guy sitting there next to you. its quiet and you can hear his every breath…every heart beat the soft rustle of his eyelashes as he blinks. I try to imagine the way my fingers would move around his body. his gorgeous body... that gorgeous body  different from mine. I try to imagine what it would feel like when I have my hand resting on his chest feeling him inhale and exhale, his chest rises as he breathes and falls as he lets it out.I try to imagine feeling his steamy breath moistening the side of my face and neck. I try to imagine what it would be like just to have someone there. someone that would touch you. someone that would move his fingers around my body. have him rest his hand on my chest..feel me inhale…feel me exhale. feel my breath on his neck. feel me touch him.

(..and thats enough about that...)

someday I’ll lose all hope. someday I’ll be isolated forever. someday I’ll forget it all.

 my day will come…i think....won't it?

   As i sit here shivering in my straight jacket i can't help but wonder what it would be like to be dead.

   Do you stay for the rest of eternity in your dirt filled grave six feet under? when your muscles, tissue and guts all deteriorate all thats left are your bones until they turn to dust.

Is hell really what you make it?

   Do you go to heaven or hell? Is there a heaven or hell? Does how you lead your life on earth matter in whether you are going to heaven or hell? If I really give my whole self to God during my time on earth, how will i truly know that it pays off in the end? 

   They say God loves you no matter what. Even if you have turned your back on him. My heart has turned cold for him. I don't think it will ever change. It seems like i have had every type of preacher try to get me to believe in God. I had a turning point in school...9 years of Catholic school. 5 of which i can honestly say I did believe in God. It all changed around 6th grade. The teachers there...the priests...teaching us all how God was so fucking good...how he gave up his one and only son so WE can be saved. Thats one kind of teacher. This guy then just pops up out of no where...he's given his whole self to God. Hes still a fucking 20-ish virgin for fuck's sake. I can't open my mouth and say one thing...even one GOOD thing about faith, God, Jesus, Christians...whatever...unless i want him to read the whole fucking bible to me. Yes...Dereck...give it up...I'm not ready (that'd be kinda contridicting if i was talking about something else...heehee) The second type of teacher...in form of a man you lust over. You're walking down the street, downtown. God, you love it there...so much chaos. So, you're walking...hoping to go just...simply buy some trashy lingerie or.."souvenirs" (lol) whatever you want to call them. But no...the Jamaican guy out front of the department store shoves a bible in your hands. He tells you to read Pslams 'some number':'some number'. Hes gotta ask you when you where baptized...IF you were baptized...why you have so many holes in your ears and slits on your arms. "Cutting yo self is no good mon.." "Wat is all dees holes...why do yoo piece yo self?" He tells both you and your best buddy to read 10 different bible verses..hes got the whole thing memorized so he reads it out loud while you're pretending to read along. Then you grab the brochures he points at you and walk away to your trashy lingerie.

(just a note...i have nothing against Jamaican people)

I'm too fucking young to believe in God just yet. I want to live my life dammit. Not have it be based around something. Especially not a religion that requires energy in giving faith. Maybe God is for people who have something to be afraid of. In that case I may just be there someday...sitting there...in church...rolled up in bubble wrap... just to make sure i don't dry hump the pews or fuck an alter boy...get drunk on the holy fucking blood of christ...bow down to the fucken calf i spray painted gold...slap my mom or dad with a rosary...suddenly develope torrets and scream at the top of my lungs "OH MY FUCKING GOD!"...kill the old senile lady next to me with a crucifix...steal the the gospel from the podium and the run away with thy nieghbors wife...or ass (or husband...i guess in this case) and never intend to keep the holy fucking sabbath holy then blame it all on thy nieghbor.And yeah, maybe i will regret my choice...but right now...thats a chance i'm willing to take. And if hell is what you make it...it may not be so bad...

I'm out mon.